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Baby Humor, Grandma and Grandpa
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , 4. During a patient's two week follow-up 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, 6. I was performing rounds at the 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. Dr. wouldn't submit his name.... 1 MORE Baby's First Doctor Visit My small grandson got lost at the big parade down in DC the other day.......... He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Johnnie Walker Red and women with big tits." |
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From the American Association Of Retired People Questions and Answers from AARP Forum Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore, under fiction. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live. Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ." Q:i How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses. Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out. Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "Gosh, I remember these!" |
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PAR FOR THE COARSEA gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered" ----------------------------------------------------- -A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son? "The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you? "The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray. "The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down." ----------------------------------------------------- Mulligan: An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a"Mulligan" which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot,"What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?" We call it hitting 3." ---------------------------------------------------- Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective! asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her,hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times..... just put me down for a five." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A golfer gets up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St.Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer",to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"? He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?" __________________________________________ GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS > >> >> Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by >> the >> occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. >> >> Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing >> Left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. >> And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks >> >> Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls. >> >> If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, >> The snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable >> Tip: your life is in trouble. >> >> Golfers who try to make everything perfect before >> Taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot. >> >> The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the >> Phrase 'maul it again.' >> >> A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement >> Between two golfers ..neither of whom can putt very well. >> >> An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how >> Badly you play; it is always possible to get worse. >> >> Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out >> And slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss >> Every green. The next day you go out and for no >> Reason at all you really stink. >> >> If your best shots are the practice swing and the >> 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game. >> >> Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. >> >> Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously >> It won't work, and both are expensive. >> >> The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil. |
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IRISH LOVE STORY
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife
of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon
.......
"F... off" she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
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I gotta tell ya, that Toll on the Hawaii-San Francisco Bridge is a killer!!!
________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told usthat one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..." We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I kn ow, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman, KS. IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala. IDIOT SIGHTING: The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving? She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS. IDIOT SIGHTING: I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that "deer-in-the-headlights" stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less. IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS. I love this one!: When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge." He nodded his head and said "Cool!" STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they VOTE... and they REPRODUCE... |
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Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 17, 2009 RE: Gala Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... Feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 18, 2009 RE: Gala Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: November 18, 2009 RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name... I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: November 18, 2009 RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men; each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees DATE: November 18, 2009 RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party I've had it with you vegetarian creeps!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know what?, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: November 19, 2009 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Smith a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan |
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No sex since 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?' 'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.' 'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.' The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?' '1955, ma'am.' 'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!' She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'r elax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.' The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.' Gotta Love Military Time! |
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Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother. “I don’t need to,” the boy replied. “Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.” “That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!” |
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Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade.....' |
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Is sex work? A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? silence .... God bless the enlisted man. |
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Senior Sense of Humor-
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, late 60's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'5'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1942, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. |
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A Classic explanation of Hell from Tom Dodington, who himself is a Classic.... so is a '39 Packard
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell , it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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Those Irish- they are just impossible...from Rich Baumann Irish Alzheimers Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I am so glad Ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced Me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat Just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I Also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he Would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I Decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?"
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Catholic Horses
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a Priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse--a very long shot--- won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old Priest step onto the track.. Sure enough, as the horses of the 5th race came to the starting gate the Priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the Priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless for the 6th race. The Priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the trackfor the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the Priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned n the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to thetrack area where the priest was. Confronting the oldpriest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings---all of it!". The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you. Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites." |
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And speaking of Last Rites!! From one of our Ca correspondents!! Catholic Last Rites A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped. Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd. A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s. "Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue , and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man." The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice: .... B-4 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 ... O-72 |
